Nice Guy. Where’d You Meet Him?

Image 1I hate online dating…most of the time.  Too many of the guys who contact me clearly haven’t read my profile, or maybe they just assume they know more about what I want than I do.  So, when I say I want a non-smoker, the smoker reaches out to me, anyway.  Though my profile says I want a monogamous relationship, that doesn’t stop those who are looking for someone to “play” (which I’ve learned is what those in-the-know call sex with more than two people at the same time.)  And then there’s the guys who turn out to be much older than their profile indicates or are not exactly divorced, but are thinking about it.   I’ve lost the will to wade through all the nonsense.  How do I find that needle-in-the-haystack when the haystack keeps getting bigger?

But sometimes I really like online dating.  Or should I say “I used to really like it”.  I’ve met some great guys online and a couple of them turned into long(ish)-term relationships.  It’s been awhile since that happened, though.  But, about a month ago I decided to give online dating another ‘go’ because I was stuck in a hotel during a blizzard in South Dakota and was running out of ways to amuse myself.  So, I responded to a couple of guys who sounded interesting and normal.  And we had a couple of nice phone conversations, then…nothing.  They stopped calling/writing.  Whatever…  (So, to Nissa, who asked for an online dating update, this is it… but you can find more on what I think about  online dating here and here.)

So, if I don’t like online dating, where do I meet men (asks, Dee, another Spinsterlicious babe).  I don’t have a particular place to meet men, though I have learned that my chances of meeting someone increase tenfold when I’m out alone.  And then I’ve met them almost anywhere:  at the grocery store, walking down the streets of NYC, on airplanes or in the airplane lounge.  Social events are another good option, except I don’t like going to social events alone.  I’m an introvert and get easily overwhelmed if I’m around too many people for too long, especially if I don’t know them all.  So, even though I know I should do more things alone when I’m hoping to meet someone, I usually don’t.  I’d rather have a good time at the event with a friend, than go alone and not have as much fun just because I might meet someone.

Here’s how I met the last few guys I’ve gone out with for longer than a few minutes:DSC_7700 copy

  • introduced by a friend
  • at a party
  • at a restaurant bar
  • while walking my dog
  • at a funeral

It all seems so random, doesn’t it?  I get a lot of requests to write about meeting guys, but I think I’m out of material…so I’m calling on you.  (Apologies to my readers who hate when I write about dating.) I’d love to hear from you on where/how you met the last guy (or woman) that you kept around for awhile.

 

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15 Responses to Nice Guy. Where’d You Meet Him?

  1. Maruli says:

    There are so many specialized matchmaking sites. There should be a site, where those nice guys, who want to be as they are, can meet those women, who prefer the nice guys.

    I am 64 and I am looking for a man, who is a nice guy and not an alley dog.

    Any nice guy in my age group may like my blog.
    http://egalitarianrationalcommitmentparadigm.blogspot.com/

  2. Dana says:

    I’m married, but when I was single I met men at sporting events. Basketball tournaments and football tournaments usually had the highest concentration of (usually) fit men. Sporting events are men Meccas. There are ALWAYS fewer women than men.

  3. Jennifer says:

    What about a match-maker; has anyone given that a go?

    As for me; like the old saying goes, when I least expected it I found the guy I’ve been dating for a few months now at work. Typically I stay away from the work area, but we clicked so well it got harder and harder to find reasons why we SHOULDN’T. So far, it’s been a nice time and we have loads in common (not just work related items), but we do go the extra effort into keeping work and life separate.

  4. Nissa says:

    Oops! I got the title of Dr Toni Grant’s book wrong. The correct title is, Being a Woman (and Fulfilling Your Femininity).

  5. Nissa says:

    Hi Eleanore –

    First, thanks for the shout out (yes, I get all my popular terminology from TMZ on tv).

    Second, I am wondering if you email guys? I’ve done Match, etc and most of them allow you to choose ‘favorites’ or mark guys you like in one way or another. I find that (oddly) men are quite reticent to contact women that they think will have lots of options because they are attractive, well off, etc. I find that if I send them a wink or email (as simple as ‘great smile…I’d really enjoy hearing from you’) is enough to move them out of shyness and get them into making a move. I notice this increases my success with guys that meet my parameters. (I don’t initiate dates though, as if they don’t like me enough to make the date I don’t bother). Also, what about trying Stir and meetup events again? For me, finding someone who shares my passion (metaphysics) is essential, so that’s my core group for searching. I recommend looking at Law of Attraction singles and Unity singles as they may have a reasonable number of guys in your area.

    Third, because men are visual, I wonder if most women take the time to show pictures that really represent them. Sometime men won’t process the written info but will really get that you travel if you show a pic of where you’ve been, doing your favorite activity, etc. I know in my area, men need to have confirmation that I’m attractive and fit before they will contact me. I know in the past if I marked ‘above average weight’ most men bypassed me without a look. Shallow, I know, but it’s what gets you in the door.

    Fourth, I wonder if those guys would be brave enough to email you a reason (for blogging purposes), why they stopped calling? I know it’s usually as simple as “you’re not the one, and you aren’t putting out, so I’m not calling”; but it would be nice to know what he pinpointed as the dealbreaker. I recently ran across Evan Marc Katz’s Why He Disappeared and he seems to think it has to do with not being in one’s feminine energy enough (a vast simplification, but the crux). I do recommend Dr Toni Grant’s Finding your Femininity , which addresses finding your soft inner Madonna. Doing so helps to bring about inner peace, softness and warmth, which magnetizes men into your life ( I have seen this in my own life).

    Last, you have my best wishes and hopes for having someone that shares your passions. You deserve it.

  6. Terri says:

    I too tried the online dating, last man I met, his idea of being separated was not sleeping together. Last “relationship” I met him dancing and thought he was the one until I realized he was nothing but an older teenager. Uggg I give up. So I started going to “meet-ups” just to hang with some women, gave up on meeting a man. I found the idea on this here on this web site. Met some women, however just not the kind that I would “hang” with. What I do now is keep looking at other meet-ups and if I find something I like I go alone. Sure it’s not easy going alone but you get over it. Also, I joined the American Red Cross. They say love finds you when you least expect it. Who knows?

  7. Debbie says:

    You got that right girl! Online dating (while definitely entertaining when I’m bored) can be frustrating. I have my filter set to where a smoker is not able to even contact me since I prefer non-smokers. But I still get the flakes, the pervs and the guys who chat me up during the week but disappear on the weekends.

    I’ve been in a new area for the last 2 years. I am an introvert as well so I resort to online dating. I’ve dated four guys since and three of them I met online. The other one I met while out dancing. Apparently, five-six weeks is my cut-off since that seems to be the time when either my dates or myself loses interest. Go figure.

    What about the super nice guys…the ones that are really eager from the get-go, how do you handle them? Nothing creepy about them, but it pushes me away because I need time for those feelings to develop and they are ready to see me ALL the time so I end it. I don’t want a jerk or a player so I find myself wondering later…should I have given Mr. Eager a better chance???

  8. Patricia says:

    I had no luck meeting men, and I refused to try online dating because my friends didn’t seem to be doing any better when it came to meeting men who were serious about possibly pursuing a relationship. I finally gave in and let a friend set me up. He turned out to be a fantastic person, and we’ve been together almost a year now. So, in the end, trying a really old-school method was my best choice.

  9. Sandy says:

    Well, I have had the same experience with online dating – when I ask for a non-smoker, etc etc. However, since I live in a rural area where the social aspects are limited (and spread out over miles), I don’t have a lot of choice. I’m also finding that men (even in their 60s, which is my age) still want younger women. Like, 40s. Considering that there is a huge difference between where you are in life and perspective, I find that disheartening sometimes. However, I figure that if I can find some friends online, maybe they can introduce me to someone I will end up “clicking” with. In the meantime, I just focus on enjoying my life the way it is and if it happens – great. If not, I have a pretty darned good life anyway.

  10. I don’t have any problem meeting men or going out alone. My tip is to keep going to the same places (whether restaurants or errands), at the same times. You increase your odds of meeting someone and you get comfortable being out by yourself.

  11. Michael Ann says:

    I feel exactly the same about on-line dating and have had similar experiences. All in all it’s been good, but there are those random guys that make you scratch your head and go huh? I don’t like to go out alone either so I feel like I’m kinda stuck doing the on-line thing. The other thing I don’t like about on-line is that it’s too tempting for most men to stay OFF line when they are supposedly dating ME. Those emails come everyday with your matches, and of course it’s tempting to go look. There is that mentality that there might be someone “better” even when you’re already in a relationship. This isn’t totally unique to on-line dating but it’s definitely more of a thing than if you aren’t dating someone you met on-line. Pretty much every guy I’ve met on-line, feels it’s ok to keep looking and even talking to or going out with other people, even if they are being intimate with me. I don’t know how to combat that.

  12. Dee says:

    I meant to say, “Online dating just *doesn’t* feel “right” to me” in my last comment.

  13. Dee says:

    Eleanore,

    Thanks so much for addressing my question with an entire post! I was excited to see this today!! I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately as I’m finally ready to get serious about meeting someone. My research points overwhelmingly to meeting dates through parties and friends/friends-of-friends. So the more social you are in general, the more chances you’ll have to connect with potential dates.

    I’m also an introvert and agree with you about social events. It’s way easier to go in with a friend as large social gatherings with strangers can be very lonely places.

    Online dating just does feel “right” to me. I have tried it several times and I end up feeling disheartened by the whole thing. You are completely right that the haystack is so big these days and who has time to weed through all that?!

    Thanks again for addressing my question. I’ll let you know if I have any success out here! 🙂

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