Are You Smarter, Now, About Men?

When I was young(er), I think I might have been crazy. Although I didn’t think so at the time, here’s why I say this now, looking back: I was planning a visit to my dear friends in the midwest and the Husband offered to set me up with a guy they knew. I asked his Wife why she hadn’t mentioned this guy to me before and she said something like, “well I’m not sure he’s right for you”. When I asked why she said “I think he threw his last girlfriend out a window!”. Allegedly. It hadn’t been proven and he wasn’t arrested…but still.

A story like that should have stopped me, even if it was just a rumor. But it didn’t. Other than that probably-not-so-minor-detail, he seemed interesting. I said I wanted to meet him.

 Over dinner, I asked him about the incident. He denied throwing her out the window, claiming that she climbed out (2nd floor, I think). Sounded fishy…so why did I go out with him the next night? And the night after that? In fact, we dated for a few months. We even took a vacation together.

 Though there was never a threat or even an inkling of violence from him, he did turn out to be a little nutty. So I ended the relationship. I still can’t imagine, though, what I could have been thinking that would have allowed me to go out with him in the first place. Today, I would never go out with a guy who is surrounded by a story like that, even if it’s unproven. (-shaking my head-).

 Am I the only one? Please tell me I’m not. Have you ever ignored a really bright red flag and gone out with a guy who, in retrospect, was clearly a really bad idea? What the heck is that about?

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11 Responses to Are You Smarter, Now, About Men?

  1. I just want to say yes we always ignore the red flags. Why because the fantasy is bigger than we are………LOL!!

  2. I once dated a guy who had moved halfway across the country with no job and no money and who was living in a rooming house. Multiple red flags there! Sadly, I lost four years of my life in that foolish relationship.

  3. Anonymous says:

    Totally agree with the fb dating, they are the worst, people are in your past for a reason, leave them there. The guy with the fancy job title that has absolutely nothing going on, not ambitious about anything but he wants to ride your coattail, get a hobby please.

  4. silvergirl3 says:

    I have had two such experiences. The first was a guy I met online who told me he loved me before we'd even met in person. (!!!) We ended up dating for a few months before I realized he was a bit weird… The second was a guy I met for coffee. We were discussing our childhoods and he said there was a kid who stole his brother's bike and this guy beat up that kid pretty badly. It turned out after about a month that he was pretty controlling (surprise surprise!)Why do we ignore these red flags??

  5. Leah says:

    Back when I was in school I used to work extra hard to give people the benefit of the doubt if others were bad-mouthing them. I spend my high school years ridiculed and unpopular, so I was sure that some of these men were as cool as I was. As an adult I've learned that an unpleasant reputation is there for a reason. Stay away!

    Oh, and Stella, send those game-playing men my way. I nice geeky board gamer would be right up my alley. 😉

  6. Anonymous says:

    You know the type, TGTBT, Too Good To Be True.

    Perfection at middle age? Who's zoomin' who?

    Mystery Man: gorgeous, kind, thoughtful, good athlete, has lived in a number of cities, yet no one you know in those places knows him. What he does for a living isn't totally transparent. Says he's a lawyer, doctor, investment banker, even has the framed degrees to prove it, but something isn't right. He's too available, too interested in your affairs, particularly financial affairs. Seems to have all the answers, but few friends.

    By all means listen to that little voice.

    He's sprung fully formed from the pages of GQ, treats you like a queen, has a dodgy explanation for his current single status, equally fuzzy or just nonspecific on too many questions, especially about family, despite references to his ex-wife, or adult children, with whom he has minimal contact, .

    Run like a thief in the night from Mr. Perfect. He's hiding something. It looks too good to be true because it isn't true.

    Better to get out early than to be swallowed up in the skein of lies.

  7. Michael Ann says:

    Had all kinds of red flags with my current husband, but didn't really recognized them as such. I knew these behaviors made me FEEL bad, but I think I thought it was me. That's how I was then. I didn't now myself well enough or like myself well enough, to know how I should be treated. Now I do. I will NOT make the same mistakes again. I know this for a fact.

  8. Janine says:

    I think you can learn all you can about men but whether “wise up” is debatable. In matters of the heart, I don't follow my head. Also, as the pickings become slimmer, do you not tend to gloss over the defects that would've been deal-breakers when you had them beating down your door? Think of all those tragic, weeping women you see on the current affairs shows that spend years dating a scamming bastard. They, too, wanted to believe the beautiful lie. Domestic violence I would not go near in a million years. But other no-go areas I regularly go to.

    Just recently I've had a spate of guys I refer to as gay-style. They ticked a load of gay boxes, and were obviously confused, yet I let myself believe I was in with a chance and let them mess with my head. Very wise. Many white-collar finance types should be off-limits to me, as they never, ever work, yet I accept the odd date from them. Maybe I'm just more self-destructive than most, but I don't think I'll ever really wise up about men. I reckon I'll keep ramming into those red flags until I'm waving the white flag of surrender.

  9. Stella says:

    I think I'm smarting now (although he MOS if you've been following would say perhaps not) now at least I know to adhere to my basic criteria: no smokers, no “ocker” men, no one who plays games, the first sign of them I get out. . .actually now I think about it, not that smart after all. I still trust too easily. Ah well.

  10. SheMartin says:

    Often read your blog but never post, want to share my red flags:

    Long distance relationships are red flags, why is it that he can't find a date in his own city, bad rep or married, mine was married!

    FB hookups huge red flags, it's amazing what you can hid on fb.

    Much smarter and more selective about dating, makes it more enjoyable!!

  11. SheMartin says:

    Often read your blog but never post, want to share my red flags:

    Long distance relationships are red flags, why is it that he can't find a date in his own city, bad rep or married, mine was married!

    FB hookups huge red flags, it's amazing what you can hid on fb.

    Much smarter and more selective about dating, makes it more enjoyable!!

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