When I think of dating in these modern times, I’m reminded of a song by the Temptations about the continual search, by some, for true love:
“…Some find true love before their hopes are gone, others lose hope and they have to move on… The further you look, the less you see. I’m hoping you’ll be the treasure for me…”
This occurred to me as I read yet another article about the latest “tools” that facilitate finding The One. Admittedly, everyone who’s looking to date isn’t looking for true love, but many are.
When did dating become so complicated? And why? Actually, it isn’t the dating part that’s so complicated, as much as it is the meeting someone to date part. It almost seems that the more options for meeting someone that there are, the harder it is to actually find the right someone. So, I decided to do a ‘roundup’ of the many options modern-day daters have to help them find true love. Surely, something should work. (Our grandparents had it so much easier, didn’t they?)
These dating tools go from methods I’ll call old-fashioned –to- those that are more newfangled:
Friends. Asking friends to introduce you to someone is still one of the best ways to find Mr./Ms. Right. Your friends know you and should be able to assess who would be a good fit. Plus, they probably aren’t going to introduce you to someone who’s going to be a disaster. (Unless they have a nasty sense of humor. Try not to have friends like that.)
Flirting. See someone interesting? Smile. Wink. Hope for the best…including that he’s available.
Matchmakers. Professionals who will find “the one” for you… for a fee. Could be a waste. Could be money well-spent, if it works.
Singles Party. Throw a party. Only single people allowed. Ask invitees to bring other single friends. Start mingling.
MeetUp.com. This is an informal online social networking site that facilitates offline group meetings of like-minded people for a range of activities, including dining, bowling, hiking, cooking, biking, etc. Some are focused on singles, some not. Either way, it could be a way to have some fun while making new friends.
Singles Events. Stir by Match.com offers social events, such as cooking classes, happy hours, cocktail parties for members of Match.com. I prefer this to Match.com because I’m just not feeling online dating these days. Plus, I prefer to meet people “live”. I want to check out eye contact, body language, voice inflection right away, not after 5 emails.
Online Dating. Match, OKCupid, eHarmony, Christian Mingle, JDate, Black 
People Meet, How About We. This is not an exhaustive list of online dating sites, but these are among the most popular. They all work pretty much the same. Complete a profile questionnaire, add a picture (or don’t), then search for your true love or let the site do it for you. Apparently, one out of five couples have met online.
Grouper. Grouper sets you up with three Facebook strangers, but they don’t like to call them “dates”. It’s a social service that sets you and two friends up with three strangers based on your Facebook profile. Sign up for Grouper via your Facebook account, and it sets you up with someone of the opposite sex whom you’re not Facebook friends with. There are no profiles on the site; they do the matchmaking, and you all meet at a place of Grouper’s choosing. Grouper says 93 percent of participants want to do another one. Currently, the service is about twice as popular with women. (Wouldn’t you know it…) This is something I might have tried in my college days. I don’t really do group dates now, though.
Crazy Blind Date. This is an iPhone/Android app. An OKCupid profile is not required, but it makes it much easier. Choose a date and time, a bar or coffee shop from the app’s recommendations, then choose from among 4 people the app suggests. You’re supposed to spend only 20 minutes on the date, then rate it on the app. Cost is about $3. The name of this app sounds about right to me.
Other Blind Date Apps. Tawkify . MeetCute. Meet Moi. These apps set up blind dates for you. All you have to do is just show up… and hope to be pleasantly surprised. Clearly, it can go the other way, as well.
Location-based Dating App. Tinder is location-based and identifies people nearby who the user might know, and connects them if both are interested. Feels creepy to me… but I’m sure it could be fun, as well. I’m sure It helps if you like surprises.
I’m not sure if the techy tools are more effective at helping find love than the old-fashioned ways are, but they certainly are more creative.
So here we are with seemingly a zillion options at our disposal for finding everlasting love, and yet the rate of singles is higher than it’s ever been in this country. I wonder what it all means? Are we seriously looking for The One, or does having this many options make it harder than ever? How can you choose just One, when there are so many?
This is a timely topic. I just decided to give online dating a try again and was particularly taken with HowAboutWe, which gives you the opportunity to post date ideas and to respond to those that interest you. I have discovered, however, that men will say they’re “intrigued” by you and your date idea, but then don’t follow it up with a personal message. Even worse, they fail to reply when you respond to their intrigue. So it’s the same as when they send a wink or smile on other sites. To be fair, I have had some e-mail exchanges and have a few potential dates in the works, but it’s still a lot of work in the end. There was also a nut job who sent a highly offensive e-mail (and I alerted the service). So to conclude, I agree that too many choices may be partly to blame. I also think that people are different now and less willing to compromise and do what it takes to find and sustain a relationship. My parents have been married for almost six decades. I don’t see relationships like that very often anymore.
The online dating can be a curse and a good thing. Michael Ann mentioned the ‘you’ve got 24 new matches’ and also the ‘hey, you, so-and-so has winked at you’ emails make it easy to keep searching even when with someone. I agree with that, my last partner did that to me (and I to him to be honest), we met through an online site and he proceeded to keep looking. But, I disagree that you’re going to do that all the time. My last partner had some deep psychological issues, I was a stop-gap for him because he was afraid of being alone. I didn’t know that at the time, it became very clear with time, but he pursued me so he’d be occupied and then kept looking for someone who was a better fit for him. I’ll admit that I settled too because I wasn’t finding a good match and thought that I should since I paid for this dating service. He was close enough so I accepted the relationship, I kept looking at those ‘hey come back to our site’ emails too just in case. Huge mistakes on both our parts (and this aspect is actually where I’m headed here). I went back to online dating after having a hysterectomy (Side line: You’d be amazed at the garbage I have said to me because I didn’t have children before I had a hysterectomy, apparently cranking out kids is more important than taking care of a huge, invasive tumor. Children should be more important than protecting your health in some minds, it’s boggling actually. Many of the comments come across as if I’ve betrayed women or the human race in some way) specifically to find someone to investigate the whole sex post-hysterectomy deal (some say bad, some say great, I needed to know for myself). But, this time I decided I wasn’t going to settle, I passed up on many men who were close but not quite right. I figured I’d probably spend a bit of time with this person outside of the bedroom so why not make sure that he’s a good fit for non-sexy association. I had given up hope, no one was quite right, but at the 11th hour someone did come to my attention that hit all the right notes. What was cool was we were sent each others profiles via two different sites that use different search criteria. We’ve hit it off amazingly and neither of us is wondering ‘what if someone else would be better’. So I think that you can find someone good and long-lasting in your life and not be tempted to roam about and worry what else is out there if you’re super picky up front. Our friends and family, matchmakers, they do that for us when they help us, but here you’ve got to know yourself well and be willing to say ‘nuts with this, I’ll just be spinsterlicious for a bit’ if it isn’t clicking right away.
To me the meeting someone to date part isn’t so hard if you define what is most important. For many, they want someone in a particular faith, lifestyle or passion. Whatever that is, I think we can each “be the change we wish to see”. If you want a man of faith, there is JDate, etc. A man with a yacht? Make that part of your lifestyle and you will surely find many who share that passion.
I think determining our most important quality is the hardest part. Once we’ve done that, choosing between all the good stuff is easy – like choosing between cheesecake and chocolate, cookies or pie. No matter what you choose, you have something good.
I think the higher rate of singles just means that people are doing a better job of honoring themselves instead of settling for whoever they can snare, then being miserable while married. I think more options mean that we now have options for wherever we are in life; and if that changes, there’s still an option for that. I see it as a blessing!!
I totally agree with the above comments re modern dating (let’s face it, it’s EASIER to date online so most older people opt for it now), breeding chronic dissatisfaction. I’ve dated guys I know would be a great match for me, but they always um and ah and wind up dumping me cos they see so much else out there. For this reason, I disagree with what someone said about it being easier in a big city. I live in a big city and I think it’d be much, much easier in a small town, because your choices are limited. Oh, and in my town, to quote Midnight Cowboy, “All the guys are tootie-fruities”. Hooray for spinsterhood.
You forgot speed dating!
I think it all depends on where you live, because that determines the options that are truly available for you. If you live in a large city, you interact with a lot of people every day – even if it’s just fleeting. So, you have more options. If you live in a suburban area, where everyone is already coupled – it’s more difficult. Even more difficult after that is rural areas – less population, less options. AND, the big hangup – age. After 50, your options lessen considerably, as well (regardless of where you live). Many men in the 60 plus range are still (unrealistically, I think) looking for a woman of 45 rather than a comparable aged woman. It isn’t easy – that’s for sure.
This is the experience I have had so far with on-line dating as well. If you meet someone you like and date them for a few weeks, but you are bombarded daily with “24 new matches,” it’s hard for anyone to not want to go look and see if there is someone “better.” It’s nothing like the old-fashioned dating and taking time to get to know someone.
I think it’s too much. I mean, there have been consumer studies that prove that crazy numerous product choices result in people being much less happy with what they end up choosing. It’s like we can’t stop contemplating what it would have been like if we’d chosen something else so we’re constantly a lil bit dissatisfied. When there are a more reasonable number of choices, people feel better about what they walk away with. Seems to me like maybe it’s similar with dating, and we are always wondering if there is someone better out there for us, even if the someone we have is pretty good.