Diane Keaton “Comes Around” To Being Single

Diane Keaton has always been a spinster-I-admire . I like her work and her personality and she always seemed to be happy with her life. So I was a little surprised to read some of her thoughts about being “always single”Unknown

 

She has come to accept…even embrace being single, though it took her awhile (like, most of her life.)  She talks about how she used to look at older, unmarried women with pity, thinking “that will never happen to me”…but it did.

 

She’s had several long-term relationships (including with Warren Beatty and Al Pacino), but none of them wanted to marry her. Woody Allen told her “living with you is like walking on eggshells.”  (Humph. Woody Allen may have done her a favor by not marrying her.)

 

Diane, now 67, says she now finds being single “surprisingly agreeable”, but, clearly, she’s had to work through some things to get there.

 

I feel fortunate that I’ve never seen being unmarried as pitiful, or anything negative.  To me, it’s always been a perfectly viable option. I imagine, though, that if I ever really wanted to be married and it didn’t happen, then I could  find it to be a challenging state.

 

I do know that lots of single women feel the way Diane did. Thankfully, not all do, though. So, I’m curious…

 

- For those of you who are single but would prefer to be married, how did you reconcile that?  Or have you?

- If you used to hate being single, but now embrace it, how did you get there?

-If marriage was never a big deal to you, why do you think that is?

 

 

C’mon, I want to hear from everybody. Tell me about your experience of accepting/embracing -or- not accepting/embracing being single.

 

And, let’s not forget my married readers. I don’t even know what I want to ask you, but I do want to hear from you, so why don’t you  respond with whatever’s on your mind regarding this topic?

 

Let’s make this a really interactive post. Lots of comments, lots of discussion.

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27 Responses to Diane Keaton “Comes Around” To Being Single

  1. Lexi says:

    I’m definitely the type of woman who is relational and until I was almost 30, being married was all I wanted. I believed the lie that happiness began once a man chose me. How terribly sad that was. So what changed? I had the tendency to like men who didn’t like me (not always but more times than I like to admit) and they were also unkind. The last guy I dated cured me once for all and now I realize I was giving men far to much credit for being responsible for my happiness. While it would be lovely to be in a relationship where we equally contribute and love one another, the truth is there aren’t a lot of men out there who want what I want in a relationship and once I decided not to settle any longer: that’s when I decided I would never let my happiness be determined by my marital status. Everything became much more simple and my focus became clearer on the things that do guarantee like a satisfying career and wonderful family and friends. I took all the eggs out of the husband basket and put them in better baskets :)

  2. Joey says:

    I think that married childfree couples have a lot in common with decidedly single folks. Similar social pressures apply. I always wanted to get married but never considered that I would have children and was lucky enough to find a guy who was highly compatible who did not want them either. If you live in the wrong location it can be frustrating and lonely. At 35 most women I know are on baby overdrive so I am finding singles groups very appealing. I have a lot of respect for different lifestyle choices as long as there is no pressure to become “one of us”.

  3. Chris says:

    While I’ve had relationships, in general I haven’t had the best luck in the dating department. I’m not sure why. I think part of it is that I am an independent personality. Still I always thought I would get married and have children, and certainly my family wanted that for me. I still want that sometimes. But, when I turned 40 I decided that maybe it just wasn’t in the cards for me and I was going to try to live the best life I could single. I was not going to spend my time trying to “hunt” down a husband. I am much happier just living my life and not being on a dating rollercoaster. I am lonely sometimes, but I also see a lot of advantages I have over my married friends.

  4. Onely says:

    When I was younger I thought I was supposed to hate being single, so I guess I acted as if I did. But secretly I didn’t really care if I were single or not. But yes, I thought it would be like heresy to “admit” that.
    CC

  5. Judy says:

    I chose this single life. It isn’t easy financially, and sometimes I am lonely. But I have stability and tranquillity. I do believe that some people cannot define themselves without a partner. I do not sit in judgement. The best thing is being true to myself – true to my long time single self. I sleep well, I trust people, I have good friends. I love life. I reconcile my single dome by these things.

    I currently have a room mate for that extra boost of cash AND I have two (much younger) lovers on-call when needed;)

    • Renee says:

      You have two young lovers, so if one doesn’t work out you have a back up.
      Sounds like a pretty nice life, you go girl!

  6. Drea says:

    Hmm, well I am in my late late twenties after having spent almost all of my twenties studying. I am single. I just spent some time on facebook and noticed that most of my peers who I went to high school with are married and/ or with children. I was engaged at a young age to a man who wanted things to happen too quickly. I was only 20 and wanted to travel abroad from the caribbean to study. The engagement and relationship broke off. I was probably engaged before a lot of my peers. Now isn’t it ironic that I am one of those who are left. In the caribbean, it is common for women to want to have children in their twenties. Late twenties seem a bit late for some. It is also common for women to be in relationships rather than choosing to be alone/single. I do want to be married but realistically, I am not financially stable, just finishing grad school and I am not dating.

    I have accepted my singlehood for now given my circumstances but still cannot help feelings pangs of discontent with my status and wondering if I will even meet someone to marry and have children. I admire women who know their mind and embrace being lifelong singletons but I am not that brave or have not gotten to that stage as yet.

  7. Renee says:

    Separated for 8 months after 25 years of marriage. I have my own apartment and i’m
    enjoying my freedom to some extent. He wants to reconcile, I really don’t know. We get along now better than ever, go figure… Either way it goes, i’m good. I’m a loner by nature.

  8. Denise says:

    Twice married for a total of 30 years divorced for 5 years. I’m in my mid-50s and I am celebrating my new singleness with gusto. As a matter of fact I declare my marital status as ‘happily divorced’. Add to the fact of my life that I recently retired only means I have more time ME. Diane Keaton is my shero. So go easy on her as she grew up in an era where getting married is what women were made for. Diane-Hail to the conqueror!!!

  9. Dana FKA Smokie says:

    Married here. For me, marriage was a choice, a decision. I liked doing my own thing as a single woman, but I also wanted to be married to the right person. I didn’t want to date; I wanted to skip right ahead to the comfort of marriage (I loved watching my parents being together yet keeping their own firm identities.) So, I met a man who i could spend my life with when I was 34 years old. We married a year later. I was scared and skeptical, but I KNEW I wanted to be married a little more than I wanted to be single. It wasn’t like 90% of me wanted to be married and 10% didn’t. It was more like 63% of me wanted to be married and 37% of me didn’t.

    So, for the most part, I still feel that way after being married nearly 6 years. I enjoy my husband and our blended family, I really do, but there are times when I think about just running off and doing my own thing as long as I could before missing my family too much. Then, I get a weekend to myself (hubby and boys visit relatives in another state), and I realize I PREFER being married. I need that weekend about twice a year though. I work from home also, so I do get big chunks of solitude during the day. My time alone keeps me balanced and makes me appreciate my family time. Without that, I probably wouldn’t be a ray of sunshine. :-)

  10. Cameron says:

    To me, it just feels right to be unattached. Some singles complain about the occasional loneliness, but I never feel that – not “occasionally” or “rarely: – simply never. I wouldn’t rule out being in a relationship, but it would have to be because I really find the woman extraordinary, rather than as a cure for loneliness.

  11. Vicki says:

    I recently separated from my husband of 10 years and am now single. He’s a decent guy and we’re still friends, but the compromises of marriage were not worth what I felt I was (or wasn’t!) getting out of it. We don’t have kids and are both financially stable, so why stay married unless we truly have a connection and want to be together? Making the decision and telling friends/family was the hardest part – I felt so selfish and like a failure because I didn’t want to “save” my marriage (whatever that means!) – but this was the right move for me.

    There are lonely days for sure, but I’m embracing my new independence and cultivating my friendships. I’ve found myself doing so many (postive) things outside my comfort zone that I would never have done within the security and comfort of marriage. I’m not saying that I’ll never marry again – I’m 36, so there’s hopefully a lot of life to come – but it will take a pretty amazing relationship to persuade me to think about another long-term commitment.

    I do miss regular sex, though :) Haven’t figured out how to deal with that yet!!

  12. SuzyKnew says:

    Ah! Good question.

    I’m still looking!

    And, I’m still reconciling the fact I’m single and never gotten even close to marriage.

    Let’s see what happens first: a man or reconciliation?

  13. I spent years looking for “Mr. Right” and kept connecting with “Mr. Wrongs.” Later, when looking for one’s “Soulmate” became the ultimate psycho-spiritual quest, I made myself miserable searching high and low for “Him,” too. Now I’ve come to the conclusion that, even if I found “The One,” I don’t want to live with him; that what I most value, after all, is my privacy and personal freedom, both shared with my beloved dogs, my REAL Soulmates.

  14. guatli says:

    Though I always wanted to marry as I was growing up (it’s the only vision I was given by my family and society), now in my 50s I am very happy. I do think that the biggest emotional barrier to get through when single is to realize that single doesn’t mean unwanted or unloveable. Unfortunately, that’s what our society programs us to think and it’s a bunch of bunk. Would I get married if the right man came along? Sure, I’m open to it. But I haven’t been sitting about waiting for it since I was in my 20s. I realized that there are some things you can control and some you can’t. I am rather shy socially and work in a career in which I meet very few men. I got to a point in my life when I kind of took stock. On my death bed, would I feel it was a tragedy that I never married? No, because I’ve had some romance and don’t feel deprived. Would I feel that never being a mother was a tragedy? Yes, I really wanted to raise a child. So, since I had found no Mr. Right to have children with, I adopted and became a single mother by choice. I have an incredibly full life, lots of love, and never really think about being single anymore. I face life by taking control of what I can and leaving the rest to God. So far, this practice has made me happier than most of my married friends.

  15. Beth O'Donnell says:

    I always thought I was supposed to get married, and that there was something wrong with me if I didn’t. I never disliked being single, per se, and I love living alone. It’s been a struggle to stop feeling terrible about myself because I am not married. I can’t escape the constant roar about marriage in our society. I am worn out by the insensitivity that my lifestyle is less meaningful. And to tell you the truth, I am shocked people aren’t jealous. Compared to most people, my life is a song and dance, even if I do face the day alone.

  16. Dee says:

    I like being single. I have never come close to marriage and I don’t even date much. Sometimes I think I “should” want these things and it makes me question myself (for about a week LOL). But by and large, I am okay with being single. Though I would enjoy a man’s company now and then if the right one came along. But I don’t have a big desire to be married or have kids. I do have a desire to live a spinsterlicious life though! And that does include a little romance thrown in for good measure! ;)

  17. Alan says:

    I’m a little different than the rest of the posters here, I’ve rarely felt the urge to be married.

    Why not? For the same reason I’m not a kindergarten teacher or a sculptor or a Marine Drill Instructor: I don’t want to do it, I probably wouldn’t be any good at it, and wouldn’t enjoy it.

    And as I get older I see the wisdom in avoiding unnecessary things that require time and energy. And the wisdom in going against the norm, not to be a reflexive contrarian but to find new paths and new experiences. For me marriage is unnecessary. For me marriage is the normal path, and by deviating from it I can explore new territory and perhaps illuminate the way for others.

  18. HappyMost of the Time says:

    I’ve been married 2x (last one 16 years) and basically agree that I prefer being single. I’m happy by myself. However, I would love to have sex on the regular. However, I get attached when I have sex with a man. I would love to just keep it platonic, any suggestions? Next book, hint, hint!!!

  19. Michael Ann says:

    I hate being single. I’ve been married twice. The 2nd time for 17 years and I have two children. I’ve been separated (almost divorced) for a year and 1/2. I want to get married again but of course, hopefully to the right guy this time. I have a nice life–I have a job I like, good friends that I socialize with, and interests (music) that I involve myself in. I keep active. I am learning and growing as a single woman. But I still want to be in a relationship. It’s not that I “can’t” be alone or am not self confident by myself. I just like companionship. Friends are wonderful but you don’t sleep with them at night. I want a partner in life– a best friend and a lover. I want regular sex :-) I have been seeing someone for the past 6 months, and that is sadly ending as well. I am more broken up over him than i was about my marriage ending. I just don’t embrace the single life. I think it’s more about personality than anything else. It’s not right or wrong, just who you are and what kind of life you want.

  20. Nissa says:

    I very much did not want to be single when I was in my early twenties. I rarely dated, and I often felt unwanted. I did fall in love and get married, then divorced as my ex no longer wanted me (at least, that’s what I assume happened when he stopped coming home). Oddly, in my new singledom I rarely feel unwanted. Perhaps it is because I feel like I “had my chance” in my marriage. I also credit my spiritual practices, which focus on love, acceptance and creating the life you want. When I was younger, I looked to others to meet my needs (or to blame for what I didn’t have). Now, I genuinely feel that I can get what I want and need from life the majority of the time, without depending on anyone else.
    This experience leads me to believe that this is why some people hate being single (they believe if they were coupled their wants/needs would then be magically met), why they want to be married (ditto, plus social acceptance), how they get to the place of reconciliation/embracing singledom (realizing their own power/ability/choices) or feeling like it was never important to them (recognition that most of marriage’s blessings may be had without the marriage, and not dependent on one person). I think the hatred of singledom or the unmarried/uncoupled state, comes from equating it to being unwanted or unloved (with which I would strongly disagree).

  21. Julie Phelps says:

    I am single but used to be married and later, in a long-term relationship. It was only in the last few years that I learned to accept being single. Then I graduated to enjoying it! I basically listened to couples’ issues with being with someone and elected to embrace my freedom and independence. It happened. Now if I enter a serious relationship I will be equipped to be the best possible partner for him because I am now a great “partner” for my very own self.

    Thanks for reminding me about Diane Keaton

    • Julie Phelps says:

      After reading through the other comments here I felt I should add to my own, above. I know people who, when going through a break up or divorce, feel a huge chasm of loneliness and loss of direction in their lives. The say things like “I am a people person”, “I am not meant to be alone”, “I need love in my life”, and similar. I remember saying and believing the very same sentiments after ending each serious relationship.
      Lots of hours of contemplation later, newly alone after ending a 7-year engagement (I know!), I realized I had not entered any of those other relationships for the right reasons. My falling in love and entering into marriage – or for the final one, a long-term engagement – were that I felt safer when I was not alone. Safe primarily in that I would not have to be solely responsible for my own happiness or my own financial situation.

      I came to understand that I would not be the best partner for anyone else until I filled the role of being my own best partner first.

      So now I still have the hope of finding my soulmate. I like men. I love love. But IF I enter into a serious relationship now it will be for the right reasons. That is why I began my blog, Therealjule. It feels like there is a need for more discussion about this single life as a Boomer, and the adventures of finally creating the life you always wanted without relying on another person to help make it happen. I finally got this opportunity after early retirement. This business of joining an online dating site as a Boomer is not as easy as I’d anticipated, but it seems like a great way to expand my search for Mr. Possibility. I blog about that too, hoping to get feedback and support from a variety of people, just like those who are here with The Spinsterlicious Life.

      I think people who’ve never married – or even entered into a serious and long-term relationship – found the key to being the best person they could be very early in life. I envy them for that. In my case, I feel like I just finally managed to grow up whereas they grew up from the get-go! You life-long single people rock!

  22. Tara S. says:

    I think I was Diane’s sentiment. I have always wanted to get married and have kids I mourned not having it. I am 38 years old. However, life happened, something violently tragic happened to me in college where I could not normally be with a guy for many years. They struck fear of God into me. I thought I could “get over it” and I tried. However, I finally had to deal with thoses issues in therapy and I must admit I still am not sure I can be around guys all the time because of it. What happened ruined my self-esteem, my self-worth and it took years to get over it. I am finally in a happy place but I had to figure out that its okay to be happy by myself. On top of dealing with my past I had a family I could not open up to about this and a family who thinks I am lonely desparate cat lady because I am not married with kids. I think recently I just said bleep this crap. I am living my life for me, I just want peace, happiness and contentment. My pets give me amazing love and I have a wonderful small set of friends who are family to me. I have to learn to be grateful for what I have and that being married is not the end all and be all of life. If it happens it will happen, God will know when to send him in my opinion. I also remember lasting words my divorcee mother once told me that getting married is not going to solve your problems, you can be lonely and miserable in a marriage and to enjoy your freedom. I am, I am doing it fully the best I can, I will have moments but I am trying. I may never be married but I will enjoy what has been given to me. We all have our cards dealt differently but I refuse to crawl into a corner and not live life happily whether its single or married.

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