I had an awkward conversation a few weeks ago with a friend of mine. She’s “seeing” a man who she pretends is her boyfriend, although he is not. In my opinion, he’s a guy she hangs out with and sometimes sleeps with. He’s recently divorced and told her that, though he likes her, he has no desire for a girlfriend. I think that’s pretty clear. She still, apparently, doesn’t believe him.
So I get regular calls and texts from her when she’s upset about something he did or did not do. Something a real boyfriend probably would have done…but since this guy is only her “boyfriend in her head”, he keeps falling short of her expectations. And I keep getting “I’m upset” calls from her.
Apparently, one of the seemingly most common trip-ups in dating is that the two people in the so-called relationship have differing opinions about what kind of relationship they’re in. Invariably, someone’s feelings get hurt because expectations are different from what is actually being delivered.
She thinks they’re BF-GF, and he thinks they’re just “friends”…with a really loose definition of what a friend is. This happens a lot. And it doesn’t always improve with age.
So, for my friend (and anyone else who may be in this situation), here’s my 2¢ on how you can lessen the likelihood of this situation happening to you, how to tell if the guy is serious about you:
10. He holds your hand in public – A public display of affection in this way is a sweet way to connect you two. Holding hands is actually more of a commitment than, say, kissing because a kiss can be driven by other needs. A kiss doesn’t “claim” you.
9. He’s usually where he says he’s going to be. This is easy. He’s not hiding from you.
8. He introduces you to his friends (and family)…and they already know about you. He’s not keeping you hidden. That he’s been talking about you is a sign that you matter.
7. You have a title (My Girlfriend, Lady, Woman…). This is an important one. If you’re just Shirley (or whatever your name is), then who are you? What do you represent? If you don’t have a title then your relationship is probably a different one than you think it is.
6. He doesn’t just come over late and leave early. Again, another easy one. If his visits are primarily booty calls, that’s a problem.
5. His Saturday night belongs to you. Saturday night is date night for people in a relationsip. If he’s not with you, where is he?
4. You have more than just his cell number (assuming he has more than a cell number). He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing. You should have all his numbers…home, cell, work, and whatever else he has.
3. You spend time at his place…including overnight. If you’re not spending the night there, who is?
2. If he has a landline at home, he answers it when it rings while you’re there. Again, nothing to hide, right? No concerns about another “chick with expectations” calling.
1. He calls you more than he texts. If this isn’t happening, he’s just having fun with you.
Of course, this is not a fool-proof list, but if most of these things aren’t happening, you’re probably not his Girlfriend. Now what?
Spinsterlicious readers: anything you want to add to this list?
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