Uh-Oh. I Might Be a Hypocrite

About a month ago, a woman I used to work with wanted to introduce me to her friend, a “nice guy who’s really fun”, according to her.  He did sound good.  Apparently handsome, educated in “good schools” (for whatever that’s worth), gainfully employed, great sense of humor, nice to his mother.  Sounded like a real gem.  I said “sure”.  I’m usually game to go out with somebody fun…and you never know, it could lead to something more.  Except it wouldn’t.  Here’s why it wouldn’t: Dude was 52 and had never been married. (Gasp).  I put the brakes on right there.  I wasn’t going out with him.  Nope.  (I know.  I should be ashamed of myself).

But let me explain.  When I meet a grown woman who has never been married and has no kids, I don’t think anything.  Those are date points without a distinction.  Not true with a guy, though.  A bright red flag goes up when that same description is tied to a man.  I wanna know what’s wrong with him.  Seriously.  Something must be. I know it’s not fair.  But I still think it.  I can’t quite put it into words that I can defend, but I still think it.

So I told her “no thanks”.  When I told her why, of course she thought I was nuts.  I don’t care.  It wouldn’t work.  At the very least, one of us needs to have some sense of how to be in a long-term committed relationship and it’s not me…so the onus is on him.  Sorry.

So, I’m a hypocrite.  Single, chldfree women are fine; single, childfree men are weird.  Tell me I’m not the only one who feels that way.

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13 Responses to Uh-Oh. I Might Be a Hypocrite

  1. Josie says:

    Um, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I agree with you Eleanore. It does sound like it's probably a wrong call to make but I personally know several lovely attractive, intelligent women in their 40s who have never been married. And I know no single men.

    It seems to be much easier for men to meet women, therefore they have more opportunity to date and marry than it is for women to meet men.

    And try working in a mainly “female” profession like teaching- the number of men you meet is very few.

    So I think it comes down to opportunity- and the land of Oz isn't awash with single men. They're generally snapped up quickly so a man that has never been married? You do have to wonder why.

  2. eleanore says:

    @Laura: Your comment gave me pause. I tend to prefer divorced men, thinking they'd better understand and know better how to navigate the vagaries of a committed relationship…but, you're right, that isn't necessarily true. Hmmmm…

  3. Laura says:

    At almost-35, pretty much every guy that's out there to date has been married at least once. And you know what? I'd LOVE to a guy my age who hasn't been married. It's not a matter of not being trained, because I've still had to do that with the previously married ones. Because they're no longer married because they either a) rushed into marriage b) married a lunatic or c) was actually a pig who got kicked to the curb. Way too much baggage. I've had enough ex-wife drama to get me through my lifetime. I'd like to be involved with a man who didn't have more baggage than an American Tourister outlet store!

  4. Single Girl says:

    I have to add…this reminds me of the attitudes of those in the dog world. There are some who feel that “mutts” or dogs who no longer have homes are somehow “damaged” or “less than” a purchased pure bred animal. You see, the abandoned animal is not “perfect” per se and thus is seen as less than.

    Just like people. Apparently, if you are of the wrong age, status, whatever…you become one of those worthless dogs who need homes.

    I have two rescues so you can imagine I don't buy into these ideas.

    Give people a chance. They may surprise you. Just like the millions of wonderful rescued dogs.

  5. Single Girl says:

    Wow, I am surprised at the reactions on this blog. I had thought, because this blog is about a person who is not conventional, that all of you would be more open minded.

    The man I am with now is 50 and never married. And he is a great guy and definitely NOT a loser. Very successful, very intelligent, mature, funny, good cook.

    Just like you would like someone to be open about you despite your age, social status, or singleness, it would be nice to be open to others in the same way.

    I think you should give him a chance Leonore but only if you can do it with an open heart. He is a person you know and deserves that much.

  6. cherriebomb says:

    Can we agree that men are like dogs and women are like cats?
    Training a cat to use a litter box or scratch on designated posts is short term training. Men, like dogs, need constant serious training or you'll have a beast on your hands. Marriage or co-habiting long term relationships is man-training. Your instincts are good. http://www.cherrieskillerblog.blogspot.com

  7. tessa says:

    My two best friends on the whole planet are never-married men in their 40s, and they're not losers. They are like me: f@#king awesome.

    The real losers (and I mean this in the literal sense, not the nasty, put-down way) are people who succumb to all the marriage hype and end up sacrificing their freedom, independence, individuality, sanity, health, and (in some cases) homes, careers, and finances.

  8. Anonymous says:

    They're just like single, never-married women past 25….LOSERS.

  9. Anonymous says:

    A single, never married man IS a big red flag.

    I have met too many single men and the vast majority of them were losers… with a big bright red “L” painted on their foreheads.

    I think it's because single men don't fare as well being single as women do. They just get really weird and quirky.

  10. Anonymous says:

    Was the whole thing a “date setup”? Maybe you can see these as just a chance to make a new friend?

    And don't go making the mistake of judging a person before you meet them – that's the worst thing you can do. Have a look at Stephen Hawking ….. work famous physicist etc who wrote “A brief history of time” but who is almost completely paralysed in a skewed position by muscular dystrophy (you can read about him here


    … anyway, how many people would have walked passed him and thought very very little of him because of his APPEARANCE? Yet he might be the greatest person to talk to etc.

    OK ……. I'll stop with the “lecture” 😉 but don't start judging someone before you have actually met them.

    Plus …. do yourself a favour and do NOT tell him your name or ANYTHING that would get him to google you and come up with your blog ….. because if you do end up seeing him on a “date” you DON'T want him reading this blog post before he meets you ….. many relationships and jobs die this way ….


  11. eleanore says:

    @Christina: You're hilarious. Perhaps I shouldn't be so hasty…at least about this one. I still think that what I think is true about more of them…but maybe I'll do a little digging to get the whole story. thx

  12. onely.org says:

    I appreciate your honesty in admitting that you have a hang-up that you know intellectually doesn't make sense. We all have those. (I would never, ever, ever date someone who tailgates.) My opinion is that you should give the guy a chance. Maybe he's been in committed relationships but just never married? Maybe it shows he's mature enough not to buckle under the societal pressure to turn a relationship into a marriage. Or maybe he collects shrunken heads. Who knows.

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