You Don’t Know Why I’m Not Married

A couple of years ago, right around the time the latest U.S. Census (and other studies) demonstrated the rise in single people, there began a similar growth in articles and blog posts arguing both sides of the issue: why being single is the new normal (and is ok) AND why being single is still a pathetic place to be.

Unknown-1If you Google ‘why I’m not married’ and/or ‘why I’m still single’, well over 1 million results will pop up. Clearly, this is a hot topic.

I started my blog –The Spinsterlicious Life— and wrote my book to address the former. I don’t think that marriage is for everybody and I know that being single can be a darn good life. When I come across the many articles that take the opposite stance, I usually don’t care. To each his (her) own, really."The Spinsterlicious Life", The Book

But today, I came across a really stupid article called Girls, 5 Reasons Why You’re Single and I thought “enough with this nonsense”. The writer of this article does not know why I’m single. Part of me thinks this article might be joke because it is so asinine (and not particularly well-written).

According to this article, two of the reasons I and millions of other women are still single are:

 

“You don’t take care of yourself.

Don’t expect someone to take care of you when you don’t even know how to look after your own self.  There are certain physical standards that the (judgmental) society built. Like, you being sexy means you shouldn’t be fat, or being pretty is having a fair complexion. You can be sweet, smart, cool and funny little cupcake but quality men will not give a second glance at you if you don’t look alright. It’s not saying that you have to live up to other people’s expectations, but please love yourself first, before other people appreciate you.

 

You flirt too much

Whether you like it or not, the right kind of flirting is an essential skill but if you flirt like crazy, you may send the wrong signal and make you seem not-picky, which loses flirting’s efficiency. It also projects that you do the same thing with other men, which is of course, an off for everyone.”

[Sigh]

 

I realize that by calling out this article, I’m giving the writer more attention. I’m just hoping that some single woman who isn’t feeling particularly good about herself today doesn’t stumble across this or similar articles and get her feelings hurt.

 

UnknownOne of my favorite Maya Angelou quotes is “You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.” It’s not particularly related to this topic…but then again, it is. Because it’s always true, no matter your situation.

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8 Responses to You Don’t Know Why I’m Not Married

  1. Robert Bruce says:

    Maya Angelou probably wrote that because she couldn’t get a man, either. And if you really feel that way, why would you want to get married?

    You’re not single because for some obscure reason, or reasons. You probably are single because men don’t like you.

    If were to analyze the unconsciously revealed reasons why this is so, I would start with your appraisal of the article you lampooned. While I’m not sure I “buy” the insipid premises upon which the author of the aforementioned article proffers for the lack of nuptials, your open disdain for the very ideas put forth therein (and comments like “not particularly well written” and “stupid article”) come across as plain nasty rather than debunking a mediocre author offering reasons as to why you can’t get and/or keep a man.

    My point is this: If you are this critical of men in relationships, it is an easy trace as to why you do not have a man in your life.

    This may not be your M.O., but having read what you’ve written, I am going to assume that it probably is. The writer of the article isn’t perfect, and maybe isn’t a good writer. However, if applied in the realm of a relationship, one doesn’t want to hear about how imperfect one is from a significant other on a consistent basis. If you are attempting to identify the “problems” your man has, are often pointing them out to him, and also attempting to “improve” him, I can tell you from personal experience (speaking as a man who has left many a relationship because the women in question felt that they could “improve” me according to their standards…”Run, Luke…run!”) he won’t be around long if he has any self-respect (not to mention common sense).

    There is an implicit and errant assumption that open, humiliating, and constant critiques of men is a “right” of women everywhere. To remain silent on similar topics is expected, nay, REQUIRED of men. It is apparent that turnabout is NOT fair play in the dance between women and men from the female point of view. Who among you would deny this?

    I would much rather be single and content than be in any relationship with any woman who wants to be married to a man who is a work in progress; this in stark contradistinction to simply accepting a man for who he is.

    I must add: how long would you be in a relationship with man if he were constantly pointing out your “faults” and helpfully noting the ways in which improvements might be gained in a manner consistent with that practiced by women? e.g. “Wow, you’d look really terrific if you’d lose about 25 pounds!” Or “You know, if you got a nose job, you could really look pretty.” “Those jeans really DO make you look fat.” Wouldn’t last long, would it?

    So, it should be noted, therefore, that while “helpful” input (so-called) about improvement appears to be a staple of the female makeup, not to mention a role that is assumed (incorrectly) to be a perfectly acceptable for women to take in relationships I can assure you that it is a recipe for disaster. If men responded in kind, such comments would be necessary deal breakers, wouldn’t they?

    In addition, if the truth be told, fewer and fewer men in American are looking upon marriage as an option in their lives. There are a number of perfectly logical reasons for this, not least of which are easily discovered when reading blogs about how women assess men. These include, but are not limited to, a man’s earning potential, or how much the women blogging/chatting will be able to fleece “him” for in their inevitable divorce–plus the fact that women gain custody of children in 80% of broken marriages, that men still have the dubious honor of paying child support, surrendering 30-50% of his property, and paying alimony to women who are often themselves working and making a good living in their own right. Is there an upside to this for men? If there is, I don’t see it.

    There are too many risks involved with marriage for men, and very little in the way of advantages. So, this is probably the real reason why it would seem that men are reluctant to marry these days, and perhaps the real reason you’re having trouble finding a man: marriage is a deadly minefield for men, and most young men that I meet who wish to be married I counsel to take a close look at the downside of matrimony lest they destroy their lives, financially and otherwise.

    In short, men get married to get married. Women get married in order to take possession.

    So, if you can’t get and keep a man, I daresay reassess your ready-made improvement plan for him (and your assumption that this is your “right” as a woman), and also take a good, hard look at a marriage “risk/benefit” analysis from a man’s point of view. You’ll find that, less and less, are there reasons that any sane man, or one with anything resembling common sense, would get risk matrimony.

    Personally, I am happy to to keep a mistress, not have children, and enjoy my luscious freedom rather than risk it all on the marriage roulette wheel. In the words of a great gambler: “Only fools buck the tiger’s odds…they’re all on the House.”
    –John “Doc” Holliday

  2. Sab says:

    I happen to be single and attractive, and most of the men who flirt with me are in a relationship with women who “don’t take care of themselves” For me it seems, the more it take care of myself, the more guys freak out

  3. Nissa says:

    The ‘reasons’ actually make sense to me…if they are being written for a 20 year old. A lot of girls take time to mature. Obviously does not relate to a more mature woman like E.
    While I do agree that a lot of people (married and unmarried) have major issues, when I read things like this, I tend to just think “Oh, this doesn’t related to me” and then I forget that I read it. If it doesn’t relate to me, it’s a non issue what someone else is nattering over.

  4. Dee says:

    Articles like this are not in short supply on the Internet. Although this one is indeed not well-written. It’s like the writer took the standard “why you’re not married” list and tried to re-write it — poorly.

    This year I read a great book called “It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single” by Sara Eckel. This is a smart, well-written book with a simple premise: If you’re not married and you really want to be, the only reason is because you haven’t met your mate yet. Eckel really throws shade and debunks the “you’re too picky,” “you have low self-esteem,” etc., advice that is rampant in the media. For example, she points out that you don’t need to have it all together or have sky-high self-esteem to find a partner. If that were the case, there would be a lot fewer marriages! Not everyone who says “I Do” has their sh$! together like these articles claim you must have in order to walk down the aisle. Her book is a breath of fresh air and a good antidote to articles like this.

    And the other reason someone isn’t married is also quite simple: They don’t want to be.

    Eleanore, like you, I am tired of this nonsense!

    • Arii says:

      Not everyone who says “I Do” has their sh$! together like these articles claim you must have in order to walk down the aisle.
      ——-
      I agree!! I finally realized this some years ago in my mid-30s. I wanted a husband, but thought I had to be perfect for the perfect one for me. THEN, I noticed all the imperfect happily married women and freed myself from that WRONG thinking. Met my husband 2 weeks later. We’ve been happily married for 7 years, imperfections and all.

  5. Pam says:

    UM, I would much rather be eternally SINGLE than eternally marrying the wrong MEN….. as in women who have been married many, many times. People do say some stupid things. It’s funny that I am indeed FAT and I can’t tell you how many men say that i am ‘sexy’. I don’t understand the term sexy, but I just smile at them.

  6. Cynthia Verrone says:

    as a 16 plus year divorcee, I often get ” how come some one as cute as you hasn’t been taken by someone yet?” Taken by someone yet? as in snatched up? against my free will? stolen? like a sale item left at Nordstroms? Maybe people ought to just stop commenting on their own ignorant presumptions. Its getting tedious.

  7. What a ridiculous article! I’ve seen a few “Why You’re Still Single,” articles, but this takes the cake. How insulting.

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