Last week I received an interesting email from a reader about some of the dynamics behind being childfree. She has observed that women who have chosen to be childfree often feel the need to profess how much they love and enjoy kids, but that they just don’t want any. Her question was: “Where are all the women who actually don’t like kids? I can’t be the only one.” She went on to say, “There seems to be a belief that not liking kids = bad person. The fact that I have a college degree, have been gainfully employed since high school, volunteer to feed the hungry at Thanksgiving…all of it is brushed aside as meaningless because I don’t like kids. I also wouldn’t want an elephant, because it doesn’t fit into my lifestyle.”
I’m sure she’s not the only one who doesn’t like kids, either. I’ve come across a few. I’ve actually uttered those words myself, usually half-jokingly. Half-jokingly because there are lots of kids I do like…just not all of them. Since I don’t really have a strong opinion about this, I thought it would be great for her to write a guest post on this very topic.
Here’s what Nissa has to say:
I recently attended the baby shower of a friend I’ve had for over a decade. As I struggled to smile through the “pass the diaper” game while kids ran in and out of the room, I could see that I was the only one who was uncomfortable. The others cheerfully spoke over the banging of the toys, the shrieking, and the drone of the kids’ video. I had to fight a desire to run to my car and drive to my peaceful post-divorce, childfree home.
This wasn’t always the case. In spite of all the realistic career, financial, environmental and overpopulation reasons to not have children, I grew up thinking I’d be like everyone else. I did get married. However, when I spent time around my friends’ kids I noticed….it wasn’t fun. I wasn’t having that “oh aren’t they cute” feeling. The feeling I got was, “no thanks, I think I’ll pass” and “how soon can I leave?”
When I mentioned this to people, they comforted me by saying “Oh, just have them – you’ll feel different when they are your own….I hate other people’s kids but I love mine”. Everyone spoke about how wonderful they are – sweet, cute, how everything is new to them, how it makes you appreciate life.
What worried me about this scenario was that babies are permanent. It’s not like a dress that I could return if it just wasn’t working for me. Maybe I just needed to try on a baby before buying?
Being an auntie seemed like a good compromise. You know, enjoy all the good parts and then reap the financial benefits of being childless. So I tried. I spent time with babies, with little kids and bigger kids, with ADD kids and “good kids”.
But the more I tried, the less I enjoyed them. I didn’t find babies cute – they were just uninteresting. I didn’t enjoy the crying, the smells and the random smears of what might be chocolate or poop. With the older kids, the sweetness that sometimes surfaced was quickly drowned out by the mood swings from happy to angry to tears every 10 minutes. The wonder of all-things-new was swamped by the incessant noise of toys, TV and questions about everything under the sun. Conversations, shopping trips or a visit to the bathroom were punctuated with interruptions, disagreements and whining.
My experiences with other people’s kids proved to me I didn’t enjoy it. I didn’t enjoy being responsible for someone else’s entertainment, feeding needs, bathroom needs and emotional needs. The good parts did not come anywhere near compensating me for what I was giving up to be with them.
In the end, I just didn’t like them. I far prefer quiet, order and predictability. I enjoy offering my gifts of love, nurturing and compassion to adults, who are often in need of those very gifts.
So technically, children have made me appreciate life…the life I have without them.
Interesting…provocative…well-said. Comments?
I think she has a very good point. Certain children can be likable if you’re around them for a limited amount of time and of course everyone was a child once. Children have varying temperaments but in general they are kind of loud (especially the younger ones) and aren’t experienced at controlling their emotions and behavior.
I definitely agree that children should be kept to age-appropriate venues. Children shouldn’t be brought to fine restaurants except during designated times, etc. Parents should teach their children how to behave in public in parks and child-appropriate venues. Then, they can take them to certain things that they are interested in. Anyway, good article.
I don’t like kids.
I don’t dislike them, or wish them any harm – but I don’t want any of my own, and I don’t like to be around anybody else’s.
They are loud. They are messy. They are self-centered. They are constantly underfoot. They are nuisances. They aren’t “innocent” – they are new human beings who haven’t learned better yet.
It isn’t their fault, and as they get older they (most of them, anyway) will learn how to behave and become less unpleasant to be around.
For the longest time, I felt guilty about admitting those feelings to myself – let alone others. But as I’ve gotten older and a bit more self-assured, I’m comfortable with admitting it. Anybody who knows me understands my position – I don’t like kids, but I’m certainly not a monster who goes around knocking over baby strollers and kicking little kids’ toys into the gutters – I just don’t like being around them. They are not my cup of tea.
To sum it up, I basically just want to co-sign everything in the post. Very well said!
Agreed – on everything expressed above! I will also add that I couldn’t even imagine myself attending a baby shower. Would be way too uncomfortable. That would be a send my regrets and mail a gift type of occasion!!
OMG! This piece articulates every thought and feeling that I have not been able to…I never wanted the responsibility and messiness of kids…knew it from the beginning. Like the author, I don’t go out of my way to terrorize kids but the parents who try and foist their little “angels” upon those of us who find them downright unpleasant are out of touch. I have a single nephew who was born into a family of four siblings and two sets of grandparents. I remember feeling guilty when the realization came over me that “no” I really didn’t want to argue with my other siblings over who got to “keep” him that weekend. As he has gotten older it is even less pleasant…he’s quite overindulged and selfish, it’s always an expensive weekend and I am left on Sunday evening with a stressed out dog, a sink full of dishes, a torn up house, down the price of a nice evening out and exhausted. Why did I feel like I should be rapt with the honor of his presence. It’s not his fault he’s spoiled and self centered but I shudder to think of his teen years…whoa! Most mornings I thank God I am single and childless…by choice! Thanks for the opportunity to read your blog, Eleanore! You rock!
I’m the opposite. I love kids but I’m glad I don’t have any. They are funny and interesting and smart. Except when they aren’t which are the times at which I’m glad I don’t have one. It would be just my luck to get the one who’s a complete jerk. And like the poster said, you can’t send that one back in exchange for a pleasant one. The thing that I don’t like about children is their parents’ at-times unwillingness to believe that my life wouldn’t be immeasurably improved by proximity to their offspring. I often can’t decide if the parents are validating their decision to have kids with me as a filter or if they just want a break. Either way, I don’t want to babysit. Incidentally, I’ve discussed this at length with my mother, who obviously does have children. She feels the same way I do.
OMG – she is playing my song! I love animals – anything furry or feathery and I’m THERE. That has made people ask me why I don’t have kids since I am maternal with animals. I was not born with a maternal towards kids bone/desire/etc. I don’t dislike them – I just don’t care for them. I am better as they get older (ask my stepdaughter) though. However, that isn’t enough to want to be a parent – so I never was. Thank goddess for the pill! I could control it. But, when I am around people with children and the kids come up (which they inevitably do), I want to leave the room. I find childbirth stories horrifying and/or boring. Thank you for helping me come out of the closet, too and admit it – I don’t like kids and I’m very glad I don’t have any.
I am exactly the same. I never tire of cat pictures on Facebook. I will run across the road to pat one, and I do feel maternal pangs towards cats. Kids, however, is a different story. I believe the litmus test of whether you have those pangs for human babies is when a new mum brings her baby into the office. Watch all the women go ga-ga and squeal with delight – like bees to honey – EXCEPT YOU, right? I am 46 and have zero regrets about not having kids. I think they can be cute, but that’s not sufficient reason to have them.
I didn’t like kids when I was one (kindergarten on up); now over 60, never had any.
exactly — kids got on my nerves when I was one. Their presence hasn’t improved as I’ve aged up.
well, as a mother of 2 college age children I can honestly admit to this:
- having children is overrated – definitely not for everyone; in fact not for most people
- I’m not particularly fond of them either, especially OPKs (other people’s kids)
Kids shouldn’t be treated differently than Household pets – I love my dog (and kids) but I don’t assume that everyone wants my dog in their home, want’s their licks, bad breath and other annoyances.
I agree wholeheartedly with Nissa, the poster. I have no patience when it comes to being around children. Loud people of any kind make me want to get away as fast as I can and that’s about the only volume level most kids under the age of 8 operate at. And I HATE having to pretend that I think someone being pregnant is so exciting and that babies and kids are cute and their mundane and stupid little accomplishments are “awesome!” or whatever. Newsflash….almost ANYBODY can have a baby. Why do we have to act like it’s such a big freaking deal??!! It’s not!! I think it’s a bigger deal to realize you don’t care to have them and refuse to be pressured by society to have them and/or realize the world is overpopulated and somebody has to be unselfish enough to see that, as well as not be so selfish as to bring an innocent life into a world filled with so much greed, dishonesty, lack of morals, etc., etc. etc. I’ve never had the desire to have kids, but as I get older and watch the news and see how different the world is then when I was growing up, I’m saddened by what I see and thankful I haven’t and won’t be worrying about the future of my child and how difficult it will be.
I do struggle sometimes with the guilt from the fact that I have no desire at all to see my only sisters two small girls. When I occasionally call my parents to chat, it seems like they are always babysitting my sisters older 2 1/2 yr old daughter and all I hear is her squealing or being really loud in the background, so I inevitably cut the conversation short. I have no desire at all to see the kids, which I feel badly about, but I just can’t help it. Nothing is more annoying than trying to visit with a friend or family member and having to deal with screaming, crying, squealing, or Mom!, Mom!, Mom!, Mom! repeatedly, either in person or in the background while on the phone. I think people who have kids think everyone has them or just automatically believes everyone should understand “kids being kids”, but the truth is, not everyone does think screaming, running, obnoxious little kids are cute or funny or no big deal. When I was a kid, my parents always gave my sister and I “the talk” before we went into places and Dad also said kids were to be seen and not heard. Needless to say, we were very well behaved kids. I’m appalled at kids nowadays and how parents let them act in public and especially at restaurants. Why can’t people just get babysitters instead of dragging a 2 year old to a steakhouse??!!
Sadly, because I do not have children, nor enjoy being around them or talking about them, I basically have no friends now that every single one of my friends has kids. That would be fine, but they either drag their kids to our outings, can’t go out because of their kids, want to visit at their house amidst their kids’ constant interruptions or won’t talk about anything else besides their kids on the rare times you can get them alone without their kids. It’s just more trouble and headache than it’s worth, it seems, so I just stay home in the peace and quiet with my well behaved dog kids.
This is just how I feel, though there are tiny numbers of individual kids I’m OK with for short periods of time. I don’t like baby photos, toddler photos, etc., and I’m generally uncomfortable around kids. I’m ALWAYS polite about people’s kids and pride about their kids, but I don’t enjoy spending time around them, and I wish people didn’t expect that I do enjoy it just because I’m female. The thing that bothers me the most is when women try to hand me their baby or toddler on the expectation that I want to hold their child. I don’t — if I do, I will ask. I’m then in the uncomfortable position of looking like a total freak if I say no, and doing something I find totally awkward, unpleasant, a little frightening (what if I drop the baby?), and often sticky if I say yes. (And they never try handing their child to my husband, even if the child is his relation rather than mine!)
It’s okay for me to not be interested in sports or meat or veggies or the outdoors or reading or cooking or exercise or cleaning or school, but somehow this isn’t okay. I have one friend who asks me Every. Time. We. Get. Together. (“Are you sure?” YES. The fact that I brought your little boy a teddy bear just means we’re friends and I’m a decent person.)
I can totally relate. Kids are so irritating and annoying and loud. When I am at a mall or in a grocery store, I stay clear of them. I felt her pain when she was stuck at the shower. I was at a baptism the other day and honestly, there was 1 kid there and she was so annoying. I had to force smiles when she came up to me. In my mind I was like, get away! I actually think she sensed my dislike as she didn’t come to me often. This happens a lot so I know I throw off a vibe of dislike. Even commercials with kids annoy me. I HATE when kids act cute and baby talk. Stop! Most times, I hate them also. Not all the time but most. I would say 99% of the time. I have a new niece and although cute, when my sister and husband visit and I am often wondering, when are they leaving? I can’t take it. Her cries are the worst! When my older niece and nephew come over to visit, I only tolerate them for certain amounts of time. Usually you will find me in my old bedroom locked there for an hour when kids visit. I find them so overwhelming and I don’t like it. The place I hate kids the most are in grocery stores. People, keep your bad kids in check. I don’t want your kid running into my legs in the line. I don’t want your kid staring at me while I wait to pay for my groceries. And, why is your kids screaming? Do something about it. Argh.
So, she is not alone. My love for kids is non existent and I like it that way. And, there are lots of groups and sites out there online who are not afraid to proclaim their dislike of children.
I didn’t like being a kid, I think in part because I didn’t enjoy the world of children and wanted to be around adults. I like them a bit more now that I am old enough that I know I won’t have them.
I just realized yesterday that I really do love kids; it’s their parents that I can’t stand. I have friends and relatives that don’t want to do the hard work of parenting. It’s those kids that are difficult to be around. Good parents (and I do know a few) bring playmates for their kid so that they aren’t constantly bugging the adults for interaction. Good parents take their loud, squirmy kids out of restaurants and sit with them in the car. Good parents tote around books, games and toys so that their kids a have something to do during visits or wait times.
I figured out long ago that I was too selfish to devote my entire life to the job of parenting. And I won’t even being the discussion of co-parenting and the mom-dad-kid duties. I don’t say ‘selfish’ with shame. I knew it and I didn’t screw up by caving to social pressure and reproducing.
Kids are a pain in the arse. There, I said it.
I’m one of those people who only likes her own kid! My daughter will be 16 in a few months. I never wanted kids (this one kinda snuck up on me) & I’ve made sure not to have another one! I always get questions about having more children & people are shocked to hear me say I don’t want another child. They are appalled to hear me say I look forward to when my soon-to-be-sixteen-year-old leaves! Don’t misunderstand me, I absolutely love my daughter, but I know I love her more now that she is capable of taking care of herself. Thankfully, she wasn’t a fussy baby, very easy going & I know I was lucky because I’ve heard many horror stories of inconsolable babies, but I didn’t enjoy her as much as I do now. I think about the greater amount of freedom I will gain when she goes off to college & I am not willing to give that up to raise another child. I have managed to date men who do not have kids & if I marry I expect my intended to not have nor want kids. People say I’m unrealistic, or, since I’m 34, I’ll change my mind. I know for certain kids are absolutely out of the question.
I really enjoyed reading this post and the comments of other readers. I’ve often thought that I missed out on a lot by not having children, especially when I hear powerful women who’ve made significant contributions to the world state that they feel their most important contribution, and most fulfilling life experience, was being a mother. On the other hand, I too have observed this new generation of whining, ungrateful, and entitled kids being raised in this culture and I shudder to think what will happen to our society in the future as they grow up and take the reigns of power. Also, I have observed many girlfriends who, though married, have had to pretty much raise their kids on their own. For them, it seems that it was marriage that was overrated, as their husbands did not do their part financially, emotionally, or otherwise. Most of them are high-earning professionals who told me prior to getting married that they were certain they would have children whether or not they decided to wed. In retrospect, perhaps their husbands sensed this and decided they didn’t need to make an effort.
Wow. People can just say ANYTHING on the internet now. Don’t like kids and proud of it. SMH That’s like saying you don’t like people. Weren’t we created to love one another? How depressing.
Hey Smokie: I disagree that saying you don’t like kids is the same as saying you don’t like people. I think the comments reflect the honest feelings of a number of women who chose not to have children. Although many posts were strongly worded, I think you’d agree that being honest about that the fact that you don’t want to be a mother and acting on that feeling rather than succumbing to family and societal pressure is a good thing.
It’s good to read a dissenting opinion though! It’s all part of the exchange.:-)
And Smokie’s response is the perfect example of why it is hard to admit you don’t like being around kids. People who don’t even know you judge you to be a bad person who can’t love.
I’ve never been a fan either. I get my snuggling and nurturing fix from animals wanting to love and be loved. There are plenty of us happily child-free types around – we just keep quiet to avoid being shunned!
The pet comparison is a good one. With kids and dogs alike, you get what you raise. If you train them (and yes, you train a child) and are consistant in what you expect and how you react when you don’t get exactly that, other people won’t mind being around them. Bottom line.
I once heard it said that the only job of a parent is to teach their children that they are not the center of the universe and that other people matter. I couldn’t agree more. Children and dogs are born with the instinct to achieve self-contentment. It is up to their parents to teach them that what they want is not always a priority.
Love the article and the comments (except for clueless Smokie’s of course)! Thank you, ladies, for expressing the same thoughts and feelings I’ve had many times myself over the years. When I was married and people asked us when we were going to start having kids, you’d thought we were committing a felony by saying we were going to stay childfree! So many judgments and expectations in our culture, esp for women. And I’ve never liked kids – didn’t like babysitting as a kid, always preferred adults. And I do not attend baby showers, baptisms, or have friends with small children. Yawn. Getting pregnant and having a baby is NOT a miracle, just freakin’ biology! And I hate it when men say “WE’re having a baby.” Yeah, right! The biggest challenge I run into is with dating: sooo many men have kids, issues with custody and the ex(es), child support – and they’re often looking for the next “mommy” for their kid(s). Very frustrating trying to find a like-minded guy. So grateful for this website!
Like others, I much prefer animals over children. I don’t hate children, I am just uncomfortable around them because truthfully, I have only been around kids only as a child and very few times as an adult. That said, I still wouldn’t mind having one child but at my age that will not likely happen and I am perfectly happy being childless.
I’m not clueless. I just found it sad that someone would say they flat out don’t like kids. I can express that and not be clueless. I am not a total kid person myself, but I don’t dislike the little tykes. We were all kids at one point. I remember once, years ago, my son was watching some kid show and I said something like, “Oh this movie is full of kids,” and I kind of frowned. He looked so hurt and asked me, “You don’t like kids?” So, that is my point of reference when I hear adults say that they don’t like children. In life we won’t all agree, and it does not hurt one bit when a commenter disagrees with the masses.
Absolutely, Smokie. We welcome all opinions…and a lively discourse of dissension keeps it interesting!
Little children are lots of fun. Then they grow up. Having children these days is tough because of how difficult it is for them to get out on their own. My 24 year old son is moving to IOWA for God sake, just to get a good job. My 21 year old is an amazing musician/songwriter who may never leave. Uh having children is a big job and responsibility and at least half of the people you know think you are not doing it correctly. That being said…I love my son’s and all of the chaos the have brought into my life.is
Life can be miserable when you have no desire to have children. I have been made to feel that my lack of desire to have children or even be around them is a mental illness, or some type of genetic disorder. My sister is a single parent and i often help her out with her son, but I don’t enjoy it. As a child, i didn’t like other children, and did not like playing with dolls. All I wanted was to be an adult. Whenever I hit a milestone that led me (in my opinion) closer to adulthood, it was the best day of my life. I agree that baby showers are awkward, that children are no “miracle”, and pregnancy isnt cute. It seems trendy lately to have maternity pictures, and they make my stomach turn. I wish i could be happy for parents to be, but i just feel sorry for them, and angry that I cant be accepted as a person that doesnt want to reproduce as much as they want to.